I dreamed I woke up early one morning and decided I wanted to go to a store of some sort on the far end of the city. So I started my top notch toy helicopter that was the most expensive model at a store and I grabbed onto the runners and took off. The city had a weird, possibly futuristic, layout. My mode of transportation kept me fairly close to the ground. I was gliding along the surface of a hidden “road” under bridges of other roads. The road looked more like a little lane of bricks with grass along its edges. My aunt took this route all the time when she was heading to the store I wanted to get to. Once I went down the steep road and back up after the dip, I forgot I originally wanted to go to a fashion store of some sort and the city faded out and I was in a green woody forest. I was gliding above a creek and got my shoes and the end of my jeans wet. I remember thinking “I have to be more careful. I can’t catch cold before I get there.” I continued on for a little while, brushing through the green leaves and feeling the sunlight on my face that made it through the trees. I stopped to call my mom to let her know I was on a journey and when I expected to arrive at my destination. I kind of knew where I was headed but I couldn’t tell you the name of the place. I ended my call quickly though when I saw a man in hunting clothes emerge. I was frightened because he didn’t say anything but then I noticed he was injured. He had shot himself in the finger by mistake while trying to kill Bambi. I told him he could use my cell phone to call for help but he didn’t want to. He wasn’t bleeding but there was a mark. Two children came into the little clearing, a boy and a girl, who were his kids. I went with them to their house and met his wife Then I filled out a slip of emergency so he could call for a service located in Colorado to come get him in the national park we were in. It was getting late. The kids were playing with my helicopter but I told them they couldn’t play with it because I didn’t want it to break so I could go back home. Janet called and was really excited to talk to me about something but I told her I would call her back later because I didn’t want my battery to die. Then I got a hold of my mini helicopter and flew back to the city. I got home in good time and the trip was much shorter and pleasant than I anticipated.

Pear! Pear! Pear!
Oh.
Apple. Apple. Apple.
That’s me.
Mango! Mango! Mango!
Shit.
Kiwi. Kiwi.
Kiwi.
Grape! Grape! Grape!
God damn it.
Strawberry.
Strawberry.
Melon! Melon! Melon!
Sorry? Is that me?!
Andy. Andy. Andy.
Fuck.

Last night I dreamed of my grandparents who are no longer alive in my waking life. I don’t remember anything else about the dream although it was a good dream. In dreams grandparents tend to be associated with imparting wisdom and knowledge. I really don’t remember anything they might have said. However, I do remember the very pronounced feelings and scents. They were both wearing their long coats, my grandpa wearing his tan coat with a tan hat and leather gloves. My grandma was wearing a plum felt long coat with a white green and pink floral silk scarf around her neck with black gloves. They weren’t standing together but they could see each other and I talked with each of them. Now that I am sitting here typing this out and recalling my dream, I think that it was actually at the cemetery where they were buried. And my grandpa was standing near the spot he was buried and my grandma was standing near her mother and father’s grave. And I think she was holding a handful of pink flowers. It was like we were going to a funeral or something but it wasn’t the focus at all and it was not a sad moment of mourning. There wasn’t a casket in sight and it was only me and my grandparents. My grandma did say something to me that was advice on how to treat people or how to live. But I don’t remember what it was. And I don’t think my grandpa and I talked much but I remember he was so happy to see me and was smiling and I could smell his woody cologne.

He was the kindest man alive.

I walked to an Army building that was like a huge indoor modern colosseum. It was stone on the outside but once I walked inside it was a sleek metal structure supporting huge glass panes on the side and on the ceiling. I was shuttled into a section of the “theatre”, sort of like a box suite at a basketball game. It was pretty crowded but I found a seat next to Jeremy. The red curtain went up and so did all the other red curtains for all the other box sections. We had a really poor angle for the play. The costuming was like the clothing worn before the french revolution. We couldn’t really hear the actors either. During intermission we walked over to a theatre building and we snacked on goldfish; the cracker, not the delicacy. We hurried back to the army building and went to the same section to watch the rest of the play. For some reason Jeremy was way ahead of me and already sat down before me. When I reached our seats there was a little girl sitting in my seat. Apparently it was his little sister. Anyway, she sat on my lap to see the rest of the play and she had a pink alphabet cardboard book she was looking at. That faded out into a different dream where Julia and I were in a grimy bathroom. I saw two huge black rats scurry in and out of site. And I was like, “JULIA! I just saw two black rats!” and she said, “Oh no, those were two mice. It’s okay. Mice are kind of nice.” and I was like, “No, I saw them. They were black rats.” So somehow we ended up catching them by placing clear bowls over each one. We actually trapped three. Then we pushed them out into a huge clear room. We gave each rat a little pistol and sword but they had to stay under their clear bowls. They had to fight each other and whoever was the lone surviver had to fight Julia and I. One fired his pistol and shot one of the other rats in the middle of the chest. He was still standing though and he started pushing his bowl forward. That faded out and that is all I remember.

Dream Interpretation by Me:

1st dream: Lucid Dream
Representations of excitement, anger, aggression, and sexual energy take place in my dream.
Apparently optimistic patience is needed to achieve a long held ambition of mine.
My future prospects will likely be drama. (Wonderful!)
A warning to act upon clear thoughts rather than reckless emotions played out in my dream.
My “inner child” is being reawakened. (That is great news for my acting!)
A tedious task must be accomplished.
Someone is currently “standing in my shadow” and I need to deal with the problems of other people before I address my own inner problems.

Fades into…

2nd Dream: Psychological Healing Dream
My dream starts with a positive omen of improved health.
I had or will have shame of an unworthy action.
I tried to cope with repressed anxieties while dreaming, so something is really bothering me.
The dream was an encouraging sign of being about to have courage in the face of adversity or pain.
My dream showed I had a loss of power.
I had vital facts denied to me, which was frightening because of the fear of the unknown, but I will get the important information, whatever it is.
I have a positive outlook on life even with all the uneasiness I am dealing with.
The clash of mortality plays out in my dream, focusing on a sign foretelling “trouble today, and trouble tomorrow.” (Sounds like a party.)

So… BASICALLY

I have a long difficult foggy road ahead of me, full of emotions and sexual energy that is going to be ladened with drama and anxieties. I should act rationally, remain grounded, have courage, and remain positive.

“Hello Bombshell! New! Miraculous Push Up instantly adds 2 cup sizes. Shop Now!” -Victoria’s Secret (Nov. 2009 campaign)

Welcome to my world I share with all my sisters of the world, bombarded with advertisements intended to convince the average woman “My breasts are “too small” or “too big” and there is a real need to “fix” my unique body.” I could generalize why this a problem concerning women at large but I would like to share my own take on this weird trend.

So let me just start out with saying that, yes, I am quite guilty at shopping at Victoria’s Secret. Although most companies who sell bras have similar campaign agendas, Victoria’s Secret (VS) is permeated with selling quick fix boob jobs.

There is a fine line between dressing up, and gliding the lily. It is easy to feel the need to make myself “perfect”. But honestly, what is perfect? I personally have come to the realization that all you really need to be perfect is just to look in the mirror, have “nipple confidence”, and skip all that push up silliness. As a friend of mine pointed out, “I used to wear push ups until I realized, oh my God, I am false advertising!”

And As Silly As That Sounds….
Do you want to mislead the populace of your bona fide gorgeousness?

Have nipple confidence and be proud to be YOU!

Click-Klack!
Click-Klack!
Click-Klack!
Reverberating off the cement walls of
a virtually empty parking garage.
Click-Klack!
Click-Klack!
Click-Klack!
In that moment I feel like a model
reliving a potential advertisement for
Herve Leger or Versace.
Click-Klack!
The sound carries dominance and grace all wrapped in one.
Click-Klack!
Lipstick, Lace, and Lasciviousness.
Click-Klack!
In a hurry walking down the city streets,
turning heads as people wonder where I need to be.
Click-Klack!
Click-Klack!
The smell of money and success that is such a clever illusion.
Click-Klack!
Ah! I inhale in the genuine power of heels.

I have a secret. You can see it sparkling through my eyes as I lay here on my stomach with my head resting on my folded arms. I see your eyes and push my energy forward. I outstretch my right arm while turning on my side reaching and feeling the wonderful sensation in my body. Then I recoil quickly into a fetal position because I am aware of you watching me and I don’t feel comfortable to show you how amazing I can be. Curled up, I fight the urge to stay safe, there in a ball with my head to my knees, as well as the desire to show you my true self; my essence. The struggle between protection and exposure. My arm slowly stretches out again, this time with the weight of an opposing force. I ultimately want to show you who I am. I do! But I can’t face you right away, so as I bring my body up to a sitting position I turn my back to you and look at the vast empty space now in front of me, my knees pointing upward. I take a deep breath as I look over my shoulder and see you. Your face is inviting and so I decide, Okay! This is it! I am going to show you who I am inside. I kick my legs delicately one after another like a dancer into standing, playfully. My eyes are focused on you and now that I am standing I suddenly feel self conscious. I want to be open with you but I am not completely happy with my body. I feel too short, too little, too big, too white, too…I feel my neck, my stomach, my breasts, by thighs, judging myself based off computer generated malnourished supermodels. But I take another breath and decide I can face you if I protect myself. I grasp my left arm and look at you. Your eyes are hard to read but you don’t make any attempt to stop me. As I take in my next breath I feel the energy I felt before surge through my body, fizzing and sparkling throughout my prism. I step out with my right foot, lunging to the side and bringing my arm up while looking to the right. I am amazing and dazzling. I feel such a passionate energy. As I lift my arm above my head, I turn again to face you. I smile because I know you just witnessed a brilliant part of me on display. But I have sadness come over me because ultimately, what is the point? It’s all for nothing, isn’t it. I sink, hunching in despair. NO! I cannot, will not, feel like this! Gripping at my throat, pushing up, I force myself to stand tall. I can fucking do this. I can. “Think happy thoughts” as I twirl with elation. Then glancing back into your eyes, I look up to the firmament, my arms straight above my head and lowering as if I am opening the book of my life to the universe. Look at me, naked and radiant! I let my body drop to my knees still looking up. I am here open to anything you have to offer. I notice your body language and eyes. No? You don’t want to share quite yet? Okay! I will. I put my hands out on the floor in front of me, shifting my weight onto them. I am still looking at your wonderful welcoming eyes as I push my legs up and out into a V. I am so excited I can show you what makes me unique and quirky. Energy like little rockets shoot through my body as I do a silly jig, back this way, now back that way. I see you laugh and I have to smile too. But I do feel a little sheepish. I know. I know. I am weird. Do you still like me? I tilt my head, wondering. I look back at you and you are still there. You haven’t left. I point my foot out taking a step towards you. I am here. I want to show you I can take risks and potentially fail. Breathe! Okay. I stand on one foot, bringing my knee to my chest curling up slightly like before but this time I am standing. Standing and facing you. I can do it, I just need a moment to myself. Then I grab the back of my foot and pull it back as I reach my free arm out in front of me. I feel like a dancer. I hold on and look at you. I slightly waiver but regain my balance. But I fail. I fail as I drop my foot stepping back. Oh no! I failed. Who was looking? I turn and look to the side. I turn to the other side and as if I see all the possible faces who saw me screw up. I turn back to the opposite side and see the same “faces” with disappointment, scorn. What are they thinking of me? I turn and face you. I see your face and think, how can I face you? I….I…I just can’t face you. I can’t. I step back, hunching over, looking at the ground. I can’t face you because I am such a complete failure. NOOO!!! I am not a failure! I shake it off physically; shaking my body and head back and forth. I look up directly with unashamed confidence, walk forward, and jump out, reaching my hands up as if the sky was the limit. The energy between us is what I live for. I breathe you in and hold on to my dreams.